Having endured a lifetime of chronic physical pain accompanied by cyclic bouts of anxiety and depression, all of which was as profound as it was mysterious, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At my therapist’s suggestion I began to consider new therapeutic approaches integrating somatic psychology techniques that allow the patient to access and clear suppressed emotional energy stored in the body as a result of past trauma. These techniques can be enhanced and catalyzed by mind-enhancing medicines such as ketamine and cannabis.

My therapist also suggested I look into the clinical trials underway to manage, treat, and clear PTSD symptoms with MDMA. In so doing, I stepped onto the path that has redefined my relationship with pain—both my own residual trauma and the pain I seek to relieve in the various modalities of therapy I practice.

These days my dominant mood is calm, day to the night of how I felt for most of my life. I’m not in fight-or-flight mode like I used to be upon waking. There’s no more pain in my body, which means that I’ve unleashed an enormous amount of energy once devoted to pain management. And all the energy I used to spend trying to convince people of my value—that’s available too, now. The medicine showed me that I had never been able to trust anyone, and as a result had never been able to experience real intimacy. Every relationship in my life has benefited from my newfound capacity to give love with the easy assumption that I’ll get it back, multiplied and magnified by the trust I feel for the people around me.

Though it would be tempting to look at the doses of clinical-quality MDMA I took over a series of therapy sessions as silver bullets or magic pills, what was most astonishing was the way the medicine in combination with psychotherapy unmasked my own mind, enhancing my lucidity and teaching me how to heal myself. It showed me how to restructure the old and crooked thought-ways that had become dead ends, and more importantly, it unlocked my empathy for my own fundamentally lovable self.

While I’m not ecstatic or euphoric—feelings that are too close to the flip side of panic—I live my life fully present and free from anxiety and depression. It’s with that spirit, and in keeping with my life’s work as a therapist, that I want to share my story here. It took me too many dark years of flying against the storm to find my way home, but perhaps I can help shorten that path for you.